Internal Monologue I

From The Desk of Dhani Ibrahim:

I thought I knew all there was to know about ‘love’.

After all, I went through several phases, relationships with some people. I got my heart broken in all of them. I remember, throughout those four relationships, how it felt, very clearly. It felt like drugs, drugs that keep you high all day and all night. And just like drugs, I guess it was addictive. How else could I explain why, after the first failure, did I choose to go through three more?

In the end all I received was pain, and withdrawal.

So I thought I knew all there was to know about ‘love’. So much so that eventually I derided and dismissed it as nonsense. And the day I did so was the day I closed off my heart to all, so it may never be hurt again. I built unbreachable walls and kept my feelings inside, locked away and bottled up, so I would never make the mistake of falling in love again.

I succeeded, of course. But looking back, I wonder at what cost did I succeed? I might have turned myself into a monster of sorts. I never really thought about it until recently. Until Damia.

I’m not much of a romantic. More of a blunt instrument than a sharp, witty poet. That’s why I can’t really convey how this predicament came to be.

Damia… what was it about you? How could you have made your way through the walls I put up? How did you manage to unlock this heart and make it yours? Can it really be that easy, or was there something greater at work? You shook my beliefs, you brought down my walls and you made me question my own convictions. And for that, I love you. I love you like I never thought I would love someone ever again.

I don’t remember falling in love with you. As in, I couldn’t pinpoint when, or how. All I knew is that one day I woke up and I realized that I loved you. I just knew I did. And the hardest part was actually admitting it to myself. But when I did, when I thought in my head ‘I love Damia’, the rest just came to be.

Damia; you’re beautiful in every sense of the word. I love our conversations, our long walks together and the lunches and dinners we share. I love holding your hands and I love just… just being there with you. Every second we spend together is vivid in my memories and thoughts and I don’t feel like I ever want it to end.

I guess it’s okay to make mistakes. I did so, about love, about relationships. And if Damia is my chance to right my wrongs and compensate, I wouldn’t give it up for the world.

Wherever you are at this moment, I like to believe you’re thinking of me because I am damn fucking sure thinking about you.

I love you, Damia, because I now believe you’re going to change my life. For the better.